They say that what doesn’t kill us makes us stronger. Well, “they” have never had their wisdom teeth out. It doesn’t kill you, but it makes your jaw so weak you can barely chew your milk. Not a pretty picture. If you have to go through the experience (or even if you don’t), there’s a lot worth knowing.
If you “don’t need you wisdom teeth removed right now, but someday might,” do it now. What they don’t tell you is that as you get older, your bones harden. Even if they aren’t causing problems at 21, consider getting the wisdom teeth out if they ever might be a problem. Do you really want the oral surgeon to stop mid-extraction, ask your age, and then say to the nurse, "That explains it. His jaw is no longer spongy. Hand me the bone saw."
Fortunately, the nitrous makes the comment bearable. In fact, it makes the comment positively funny. So definitely choose the laughing gas; this could be your one big chance to do it legally. As I found out, if you want sedation, you need to let them know a few days in advance rather than the night before. But trust me--you want to be conscious. How many times will you get the chance to hear your teeth being literally ripped from your mouth? It’s sorta cool, in a weird, "South Park" way.
They say the best part is afterwards. You get ice cream and apple sauce for days. Well maybe if you’re 14, that’s the best part. But after two days of pudding and apple sauce, I started gnawing my blanket in my sleep. Anything for nourishment without added sugar. The third day has been the best yet--I never thought I would enjoy mashed potatos with such gusto.
The only solid things to pass my lips since the surgery have been: the pennicillan (4 per day, on an empty stomach), the pain killers (one every six hours, with a "meal"), and the cold pack (10 minutes every hour), which I kept trying to gnaw in my deperate search for nutrition.
I need the cold pack for my jaw, of course. Despite the lack of food, my jaw has swelled to the size of a small tropical island. I keep feeling like I should be eating something to replace all that ... whatever it is. But what do you eat to replenish Jaw Stuff? It’s one of those practical details the dentist forgets to tell you.
But you know, it hasn’t all been bad. The ice cream may get old, but the nurturing is just fine, thank you. Perhaps you chose your mate based on their personal ad, "enjoys long walks on the beach and deep conversation." You lose. The ideal Wisdom Tooth Mate enjoys tracking your medicine schedule, holding the bucket when you hurl, cooking flavorful mush, and singing you to sleep. If your current squeeze doesn’t cut the mustard, get your butt over to Yahoo! Personals and exchange them for someone who does. It’s only for a week or two.
Oops! Look at the time. The schedule my nurturer put together says it’s time for my pennicillan, then another meal, then my pain killers. I better go take advantage of it. Take advantage while life is good. Have a great Christmas.
- Stever, 12/21/00
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